Discouragement....

Before I start this post I would just like to say that I am not looking for a pity party, nor am I trying to be dramatic (drama and I do NOT get along) . . . this is just me sincerely expressing what I am experiencing at the moment, so please bear with me and allow me to express my feelings. . . .

As those of you who have been reading my blog since the beginning may have realized, ever since I got married I have been rather 'friendless' for the most part (aside from my hubby anyhow--especially during our time at Fort Rucker!). Granted, while in Hawaii I did make a couple of friends, but rarely ever saw them (our friendship was--and still is mainly via texting or Facebook), so I still felt kind of friendless in a lot of ways. I do still have some long-distance friends from my teen-years and college whom I love dearly, but between trying to be a wife and a mom keeping in touch with those friends has been a challenge to say the least!


What has been really hitting me hard lately (and has bothered me a great deal over the last 12-13 years at least--not kidding!!), is that I have had friends that I consider to be "best friends", but it seems like no one really truly ever feels the same way back. It's always been hard watching my friends have such a special connection with their best friend--the camaraderie, openness, inside jokes, freedom to share their deepest dreams or hurts with each other and know that the friend has their back, will always be there for them, and can be depended on--while wishing the whole time that I could be a part of it too. Please don't get me wrong--it's not that I wish that they didn't have a best friend (on the contrary, I am happy that they have such a beautiful relationship with their best friends), it's just that I wish I had someone too.


I used to pray so fervently that God would send a girl that I could have that kind of a relationship with, but because my social circle didn't really change much while I was growing up and the girls around me had already developed 'best friend' relationships with other girls by the time I came along, time and time again I would get my hopes up only to figure out later that even if they called me their best friend I still seemed to be on a sort of 'outer circle' if that even makes sense.


My dad always used to tell me that while in college I would have the most friends I would ever have at any given time in my life . . . while I don't know for sure if that is indeed true (though it seems to be true for my life at this point at least!), if it is that really stinks because I think I probably only had somewhere around 10 girls I would consider friends while I was at college. As you can probably tell, I definitely wasn't a social butterfly, and it always seemed to me that even when I did put myself out there and tried to make friends I was still always the last one to be 'chosen'. That was made even more evident whenever it came time to choose roommates for the coming year--no one ever asked me to be their roommate and anyone I asked was already rooming with someone else. Talk about feeling like a loser!

I have always been an introvert by nature, so when I do enter into a friendship with someone it isn't on a whim--or an "I'm trying to add as many people to my Facebook friend list so I can feel important" kind of thing . . . when I befriend someone it means that I truly care about that person and what is going on in their life--and that I am willing to be there for them in whatever way I can be. Friendship isn't something I take lightly--maybe that is why it hurts me so much to always feel like I am the first one to be forgotten ("out of sight, out of mind") by most of my "friends", or the one who seemingly isn't valued or trusted enough to be included in the deeper aspects of their lives.

I think one thing over the past year or so that has really been driving home to me my lack of deeper friendships, is watching friends either getting married or being bridesmaids for their friends who were getting married, and realizing that I have never even been in the running to be a bridesmaid for anyone that I know or am friends with who has gotten married. That may seem superficial to some, but to me being asked to be a bridesmaid is a pretty BIG honor because it is a tell-tale sign of one's close relationship and importance to the bride.

Most of the time when my hubby is home I can usually push aside my lack of friends because I love spending time with him and am not the kind of girl who is inclined to "go out with the girls" while I leave my hubby at home with the Munchkin (so, I still wouldn't be a social butterfly in that aspect even if I did have a best friend who lived nearby). Every once in a while though, my lack of friends would creep up on me and I would get discouraged--and now even more so because my husband isn't here, and so now I feel really alone.

I know that in reality I am NOT alone because first and foremost my Heavenly Father has promised never to leave me or forsake me--and that IS comforting to me. However, I do find myself wishing I had a close girl-friend to talk to, share my fears, goals, dreams, and hopes with--and for once have her do the same back and not just have a one-sided 'deep' friendship. It's hard to not question why I haven't ever had a best friend who felt the same way about me; questions like: "What's wrong with me?" "Why doesn't anyone ever want to be MY friend--unless it seems like they have no other options?" "Why doesn't anyone ever trust me like that--what have I done to be so untrustworthy?" "What am I lacking?""Am I really that unappealing as a friend?"

Again, I did not write this post seeking a pity-party, or with the hopes that someone would feel sorry for me and want to be my best friend. Nope, nope, nope! The reason I wrote this post was simply because this blog is my outlet for my thoughts and feelings and I needed to get it off of my chest.

If you stuck through it all the way, thanks for reading! Prayers would be appreciated! I think Satan has really been working overtime trying to find ways to stress and discourage me this past year--and especially more-so now that this deployment is looming before me and is bringing on a whole new set of stressors. I need to memorize Philippians 4:5-7 which says,

"The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

I think that is going to be one of my theme verses for this next year . . . it's definitely something I am going to need to remind myself of on a daily basis while my beloved husband is in harm's way. . . .

Facing the Deployment

So, I meant to post an update a while back, but between moving, getting settled, trying to make the most of what time we had left together, saying goodbye, and now trying to settle into a new routine, there just wasn't any time left over to blog in.

Here I am now though! We arrived in Virginia November 30th, and Munchkin and I said goodbye to DH January 1st. He hasn't deployed yet (though that is coming up in the near future--for OPSEC reasons I will not be posting specific dates and times in order to not do anything to compromise the safety of my husband or the other troops deploying with him), but his leave was up on January 2nd and he had to be there to sign in in person. It's hard to believe that this past Sunday marked it as having only been one week since we said goodbye at the airport--it already feels like we've been apart for AT LEAST a couple of MONTHS. :-( It's going to be a long year folks, please keep all of us in your prayers as we try to make the best of it and keep a positive attitude throughout this deployment. THANK YOU!!!

I've been doing okay for the most part . . . the hardest times are at night when I am putting Munchkin to bed and when I have to turn out the light and I am still all alone. My hubby recorded himself reading a couple of Munchkin's favorite bedtime stories with our video camera and so Munchkin and I watch those every night before bed . . . it is both comforting and yet unbearable to watch (in some aspects). I hate that my husband is going to miss a year of our son's life (especially at this age when he is growing and changing SO much), and I hate that I can't explain to Munchkin WHY his daddy isn't there in person reading the stories to him, giving him a hug and kiss, and then turning off the light. It breaks my heart when I have to close the video camera after the stories are done and Munchkin gets upset because he can't see his daddy anymore. I worry about how this time of separation is going to affect/disrupt his relationship with my hubby. I worry that he will eventually only remember him as "the man on the screen" because he will only get to see him in pictures, videos, Skype, and FaceTime. If I still have any other military spouses reading this blog, any ideas/advice on how to keep a two-year old bonded with his daddy while he is away would be GREATLY appreciated. I'm struggling here and desperately need some sort of validation or suggestions as to how I can help them stay connected.

 Last family picture for awhile...this was taken just before we left for the airport (note the mischievous expression on Munchkin's face, :-p).

Munchkin while we were out playing in the backyard a few days ago.

What Gets You Through?

I was talking to my Mom the other day and we began discussing how different people react to hard times and tragedy. Our conversation got me thinking about the ways God has ministered to me in times of difficulty, specifically through music.

I stand in awe of the God who works through the words of a songwriter to give me the exact encouragement I need when I need it -- or to put into words what my heart wants to say, but doesn't know how.

A couple of years ago, when DH was deployed last and I was going through a bit of a rough time for various reasons God really used the song Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns to remind me that He is always there -- even when it feels like He is far away.

For the past four or five months, No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts has never ceased to remind me that God is faithful, and even when I don't understand why I am having to go through a certain situation, God knows what I am feeling and understands the pain. It is such a beautiful -- if not bittersweet -- reminder of God's trustworthiness and faithfulness. It is the cry of a broken, confused heart reaching out to a loving, merciful God -- acknowledging it's need, deep love for, and dependency on God no matter what.

Anyhow, I was just wondering: when something goes wrong or when you feel like your world is falling apart, what gets you through?

In awe of His faithfulness,

10 Month Milestones and More

Peanut Butter Cup is 10 months old today! And he decided that he was going to do a bunch of new stuff today. :-)

For starters, he pointed at something for the first time. We were in his playroom and he pointed out the window at the flag, turned his head towards me, and started babbling. After that he was pointing at a bunch of things!

Then while we were on our nightly walk my husband noticed Peanut Butter Cup had his finger up his nose, and then he stuck his finger in his mouth. Hmmm . . . . :-/ Not something I wanted him to learn. Maybe it will be a one time thing. Ha ha!

Then tonight before bed he gave himself one of his teething tablets. It was funny because it dissolved on his fingers after his first attempt at putting it in his mouth, so he decided to suck the remnants off of his fingers. I thought that was rather ingenious for a 10 month old, but that could just be because I've had limited baby experience aside from my own. :-)

Oh, in case anyone is wondering what he has been eating lately, Pear-Cado (or Avocado) is what he has been eating for breakfast, though Applesauce, Bananas, and Banana-Cado are also favorites. For lunch he usually has either Peas or Carrots (he hasn't decided whether he likes those yet). His dinnertime favorite so far is Acorn Squash, but Butternut Squash is a close second (and he likes them mixed with Applesauce).

On a more somber note, it has been 9 years since the terrorist attacks in New York, Washington D.C., and that field in Pennsylvania. It seems like many Americans have gotten comfortable (and dare I say it? Cocky) and forgotten the scope of the attacks. Now most of what I hear is about tolerance and how we shouldn't offend anyone. Please don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Muslims or Middle-Easterners! They are people just like you and me. It's the extremists that I have an issue with, along with the way my countrymen seem to think that we should apologize to other countries for our way of life. If it is so bad, why does everyone want to come to America to live? I haven't really noticed people flocking to Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan or any other country in the Middle-East. So, if the way of life there is so great, why leave?

The arguments being made in favor of the Mosque being built a couple blocks away from Ground Zero make no sense to me. If it is about tolerance, where is the tolerance for the families of the victims of 9/11? What is such a big deal about moving the Mosque somewhere else in the city (a little bit farther away from Ground Zero)? I heard someone on the news the other night say, "If it were a church or a synagogue being built there, no one would say anything." Well, duh. Christians and Jews had nothing to do with the terrorist attacks nine years ago. Have some respect for the families of those who were killed that day and stop telling them to be 'tolerant'. Talk about a slap in the face. Not to mention the fact that Imam Rauf believes in Sharia Law which is radical, and intends for the Mosque to follow it's laws. Tell me, how does that mesh with American Governing? Like I said before, I have NOTHING against Muslims and Middle-Easterners who are for PEACE. Even the ones who mean harm, I believe that as Christians we should pray fervently for their hearts to be changed and for them to come to know Christ (it can happen! Nothing is impossible for God).

Anyhow, bunny trail. Sorry folks! My main point is this, why should we apologize for who we are (what are we ashamed of? Does anyone apologize to us for their way of life?), and why should we bend over backwards to accommodate those who wish us ill?

This is how the rest of the world treats Christians: Voice of the Martyrs . Where is the tolerance there?

Side note: no, I do NOT support the so-called pastor in Florida who wanted to burn the Koran. Doing something like that is ridiculous, childish, and causes way more harm than it does good.