As those of you who have been reading my blog since the beginning may have realized, ever since I got married I have been rather 'friendless' for the most part (aside from my hubby anyhow--especially during our time at Fort Rucker!). Granted, while in Hawaii I did make a couple of friends, but rarely ever saw them (our friendship was--and still is mainly via texting or Facebook), so I still felt kind of friendless in a lot of ways. I do still have some long-distance friends from my teen-years and college whom I love dearly, but between trying to be a wife and a mom keeping in touch with those friends has been a challenge to say the least!
What has been really hitting me hard lately (and has bothered me a great deal over the last 12-13 years at least--not kidding!!), is that I have had friends that I consider to be "best friends", but it seems like no one really truly ever feels the same way back. It's always been hard watching my friends have such a special connection with their best friend--the camaraderie, openness, inside jokes, freedom to share their deepest dreams or hurts with each other and know that the friend has their back, will always be there for them, and can be depended on--while wishing the whole time that I could be a part of it too. Please don't get me wrong--it's not that I wish that they didn't have a best friend (on the contrary, I am happy that they have such a beautiful relationship with their best friends), it's just that I wish I had someone too.
I used to pray so fervently that God would send a girl that I could have that kind of a relationship with, but because my social circle didn't really change much while I was growing up and the girls around me had already developed 'best friend' relationships with other girls by the time I came along, time and time again I would get my hopes up only to figure out later that even if they called me their best friend I still seemed to be on a sort of 'outer circle' if that even makes sense.
My dad always used to tell me that while in college I would have the most friends I would ever have at any given time in my life . . . while I don't know for sure if that is indeed true (though it seems to be true for my life at this point at least!), if it is that really stinks because I think I probably only had somewhere around 10 girls I would consider friends while I was at college. As you can probably tell, I definitely wasn't a social butterfly, and it always seemed to me that even when I did put myself out there and tried to make friends I was still always the last one to be 'chosen'. That was made even more evident whenever it came time to choose roommates for the coming year--no one ever asked me to be their roommate and anyone I asked was already rooming with someone else. Talk about feeling like a loser!
I have always been an introvert by nature, so when I do enter into a friendship with someone it isn't on a whim--or an "I'm trying to add as many people to my Facebook friend list so I can feel important" kind of thing . . . when I befriend someone it means that I truly care about that person and what is going on in their life--and that I am willing to be there for them in whatever way I can be. Friendship isn't something I take lightly--maybe that is why it hurts me so much to always feel like I am the first one to be forgotten ("out of sight, out of mind") by most of my "friends", or the one who seemingly isn't valued or trusted enough to be included in the deeper aspects of their lives.
I think one thing over the past year or so that has really been driving home to me my lack of deeper friendships, is watching friends either getting married or being bridesmaids for their friends who were getting married, and realizing that I have never even been in the running to be a bridesmaid for anyone that I know or am friends with who has gotten married. That may seem superficial to some, but to me being asked to be a bridesmaid is a pretty BIG honor because it is a tell-tale sign of one's close relationship and importance to the bride.
Most of the time when my hubby is home I can usually push aside my lack of friends because I love spending time with him and am not the kind of girl who is inclined to "go out with the girls" while I leave my hubby at home with the Munchkin (so, I still wouldn't be a social butterfly in that aspect even if I did have a best friend who lived nearby). Every once in a while though, my lack of friends would creep up on me and I would get discouraged--and now even more so because my husband isn't here, and so now I feel really alone.
I know that in reality I am NOT alone because first and foremost my Heavenly Father has promised never to leave me or forsake me--and that IS comforting to me. However, I do find myself wishing I had a close girl-friend to talk to, share my fears, goals, dreams, and hopes with--and for once have her do the same back and not just have a one-sided 'deep' friendship. It's hard to not question why I haven't ever had a best friend who felt the same way about me; questions like: "What's wrong with me?" "Why doesn't anyone ever want to be MY friend--unless it seems like they have no other options?" "Why doesn't anyone ever trust me like that--what have I done to be so untrustworthy?" "What am I lacking?""Am I really that unappealing as a friend?"
Again, I did not write this post seeking a pity-party, or with the hopes that someone would feel sorry for me and want to be my best friend. Nope, nope, nope! The reason I wrote this post was simply because this blog is my outlet for my thoughts and feelings and I needed to get it off of my chest.
If you stuck through it all the way, thanks for reading! Prayers would be appreciated! I think Satan has really been working overtime trying to find ways to stress and discourage me this past year--and especially more-so now that this deployment is looming before me and is bringing on a whole new set of stressors. I need to memorize Philippians 4:5-7 which says,
"The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
I think that is going to be one of my theme verses for this next year . . . it's definitely something I am going to need to remind myself of on a daily basis while my beloved husband is in harm's way. . . .
Hey Heather,
ReplyDeleteYou always have a friend in me when you want to drop a email!It would be rather long distance, but I always have time to drop an email when you need one! I am a daughter of two wonderful parents, but I am willing to hear from you when you just need to vent;) I emailed you, and hope it is in a small way encoraging.
God bless you!
In Christ,
Kayleen
Thank you Kayleen! I really appreciate it! I just now finally got a chance to reply to your e-mail. . . . Take care and God bless!
ReplyDeleteI was reading a book called The Dispossessed by Ursula K Le Guin. I came across a passage that really hit home with me.
ReplyDelete... he never knew he influenced them, he had no idea they liked him.
There is of course much more to that story, but that statement really stood out to me for I know it certainly applied to my life. We make a bigger impact on other people's lives than we are aware of.
Thank you for your encouragement! =)
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